35: the super grateful client

I can't write much about my work. Client confidentiality. That's definitely a good thing, but also a bit weird because I never really know what to do when I see a client around town. It's a small city and it's bound to happen sooner or later. I definitely meet people from all walks of life. Some who don't have legal problems. Some who have legal problems but have waited too long. And some who have legal problems and show up at the last possible minute before their court date tomorrow. It does not take much for one to imagine the kinds of people who walk through the door of a free legal clinic located in one of the poorest, crime ridden neighbourhoods in the city. Point and case, in the past week 2 of our staff have had to call the cops for incidents they have seen walking around our workplace neighbourhood.

Sometimes it's really draining to go to work after a long week, but there's always the odd person that makes going to work so worthwhile. This week I had a client come back after meeting with me only a few days before guidebook in hand and court forms in the other. He had already started filling them out, and was so happy to know that he was finally on the right track to getting the solution he was looking for. He basically told me he wouldn't have known where to go or what to do if he hadn't come to us, so yes it is nice to know that we're making a difference. It's funny how helping someone in a small way is really empowering them to take that information and do what it is they need to do. If I was facing some of the problems I see clients facing I would just want to hire a lawyer and "make it go away." It's good to see people taking ownership of their lives in a day and age where throwing the blame around seems so much easier. 

34: my internet buddy!

My blog was mentioned to me today. I know blogger is so 5 years ago, now it's all about tumblr, twitter, and the power of the re-blog (re-tweet) and (shudder) memes and other fleeting bits of entertainment. Whatever happened to original thought provoking content? It still lives here on my blog :) which is still going to be finished this year!

I don't have too many internet friends. The very term "internet friends" makes me think of "To Catch a Predator" or random chat rooms back in the day when I was still using dial-up to access the internet. I do have one that I chat with every so often because we were connected through a mutual friend playing L4D. It's weird because if I don't log on to the internet I really don't know much about what is going on his day to day. I don't imagine it differs much from what he presents me, computer programmer by day and aspiring writer, artist, game developer at night. He always has his hand dabbling in some pet project, since he finds so much more fulfillment doing things he enjoys. Being a code monkey in the morning is how he funds this other activities. 

One of his most inspiring projects was the completion of his novel. Thanks to the advent of technology and the ease of producing small quantities of customizable books he was able to publish it through Amazon. I bought a copy to support him, and it is currently sitting on my bookshelf with a bookmark in it... but it will be read. The sheer fact he put his mind to writing a piece of sci-fi and took the time to format it into a book is pretty commendable. It's not to say his day job isn't demanding either, because I'm sure it is. Kudos to him for producing something he thinks is of value and he enjoys doing. Way too many people hold back from doing things like that because they're scared of failure, but really the learning happens along the way. Failure is still a success, as in you can learn from it if you let yourself. 

Well I hope we do get to meet one day in person. In fact I will make a point to crash at his place if I end up applying/getting interviews for interesting jobs where he lives. So here's a quick lesson for anyone is afraid to reach out to people they don't really know. Don't be, everyone you know was a stranger to you once, and only when one of you reached out to get to know the other person did that change.

33: the people you see in Court that actually inspire you

I'm finally at the 1/3rd mark. Still not on schedule, but I have a nice canned post that I found today while searching my one note for saved online banking questions. Of course I have the passwords written down, but not the ridiculous security questions that I chose at the time. What? My favourite video game isn't tetris, mario, or anything on my Steam account? And why would I chose a question like, what high school did your spouse/partner attend? Umm I'm pretty sure I don't have a spouse... Well I have effectively been shut out from all 3 of my online banking institutions, I digress. I'll now c & p the blurb I wrote contemporaneously to when I was writing an essay on my judge shadowing experience last year.

--

I think the hardest part about being a lawyer is having to keep all the interesting client stories to yourself. Understandably these people come to you in the strictest confidence and any breach of that means your job is on the line as most of what you hear will either be very personal or very confidential in a business setting. I mean lawyers will always talk about their clients in a broad sense to other lawyers, sometimes comparing nightmares and difficult clients, but for the most part you're a holder a secrets. That is unless it goes to court - phew! There everything comes out to the public and is on the record and archived til who knows when.

We watched uncontested divorces in court today. Nothing special, and quite routine for a Family Court Judge. The people waited in the gallery until it was their turn, some with their lawyers. Some by themselves. All had an exhausted look on their face. The group of us law students perched eagerly taking notes were definitely the odd ones out. The cases were pretty standard, and the couples both represented by lawyers were granted their divorce in a smooth manner. 

There was one couple that really stood out for me. She was young, maybe a year or two older than me with three children. Her ex was probably around 40 and is the definition of deadbeat dad. He was working a low paying dead end job, that he eventually got let go from it because he was skipping work too often. He proceeded to move back into his elderly mother's house. He wasn't paying child support, which was what they were hoping to settle at the petition for divorce.

I wonder how she met him and what their story is. She seems like a bright girl and her testimony was clear and coherent. She was definitely on the young side to be a single mom of three, but she was optimistic about making it work. For her the first step was leaving this guy who was just tying her down and treating her like crap. They obviously met when she was quite young, and probably impressionable. Perhaps he caught her in a moment of vulnerability and exploited that. I suspect the first pregnancy came shortly afterwards, and the right thing to do was to get married. It wasn't the right thing though, as he wasn't supportive and was even abusive. She had the courage to leave though and continue on her way making the best with what was given to her. No road map in hand. Maybe some limited support. Three children in tow. 

Good for her, forging on ahead on what will most likely be a hard path. She'll probably hit roadblocks and obstacles, but after walking away from something like this she's that much more resilient. I hope she does have some support in place, because to do this on her own may not be possible (I know I wouldn't be able to). She may never see a dime of child support, and she may be in and out of family court fighting for what is owed to her children by their father. She will probably be facing a long up hill battle. But the judge left her with some encouraging parting words, and behind the scenes he said he felt hopeful for her. I think he had to say that, or days spent listening to families get torn apart just grate on you. 

32: a love story

It just kind of hit that it's already 2011, and since I started this weak attempt to blog in 2008 this is the year to wrap it up. Then all I need to figure out is how to preserve this for me and delete it off the interwebs. In an attempt to increase my postings I'll make more of an effort to dig up old material. This one probably should've been published closer to Valentine's day (or the alternative singles appreciation day), at least I'm still in the month of February.

There are many faces you see in the hospital. Some look scared. Some look tired. Some become familiar as they linger on floor four waiting for whatever comes next. There have been many memorable encounters over my years there but not often is there a love story behind the people I see. More often than not the people there are alone, waiting, perhaps hoping for a visitor. I don't know what the statistics are that you'll be admitted to a hospital around the same time as your elderly spouse for entirely different causes. But it must be nice to be able to be there at the same time with someone who has done life with you going through the same thing. Ok, maybe nice isn't quite the right word as I mean it in more of a comforting way.

I didn't know you were one half of a pair when you first requested to eat your dinner outside in the hallway. It may seem a bit odd, but understandable as the hallway is the social watering hole of a hospital floor if you don't count the almost always empty "lounge" at one end. Sitting outside could guarantee interaction with others who may pass your way. Then you told me your reason for sitting outside was that you could spend time with your wife who was not so conveniently located in a room across the hall. There you were, the two of you eating your pureed food sitting across from one other. Close enough to see the other, but not quite close enough to touch.

I wonder what your story is, like how long have you been together? Guessing by your age it's safe to say you two have spent more than half your lives together, yet you don't seem tired of each other. You still seek out the other person's companionship. You still enjoy being in each other's presence. Your love for each other is evident. Old people in love are absolutely adorable, and it gives me hope that there is such a thing as love that lasts a life time. I'm sure this old pair have gone through their own shares of trials and tribulations but they've been able to come out together. They exemplify the kind of couples where each person makes the effort to choose the other person every day. Sure it's easier to just eat dinner alone in bed in front of a tv, the characters are probably more entertaining and you can pick and choose what you want to watch. Yet, this couple would rather sit there across from each other even though it's obvious their minds aren't as sharp as they used to be, their looks are no where near their prime, and they've had years of dinner conversations behind them.

Part of me wants this, someday.

thirty-one: the crazy one

Hmmm the title I gave this one is nicer than what it ought to be, but alas enough time has passed where I see her and I feel indifferent. Sometimes I even feel a tinge of curiosity to see where exactly she is these days. I could give her some nasty labels, but it's not really worth my energy. She used to be someone I looked up to. She put on a great show of being the perfect daughter, sister, friend. From the outside you'd think she had it all together, but slowly through the years she grew bitter and we grew apart. I think back to when we were both young and probably a tad big naive and we were kind of the same. I could see a lot of myself in her, except for her outward anger.

She lashed out at me more than once, and while a good scolding may have been justifiable under the circumstances she always lacked the manners to do it in the appropriate time and place. I've always wondered why she felt a need to publicly shame others. Maybe it was her way of asserting dominance and power. Maybe she just lacked that bit of social grace. Maybe she just didn't care that from an outsiders point of view it is almost never ok to make someone cry on a bus full of people. It's also not ok to broadcast to the church what wrongs you suspect of someone. You should also never go over to your friend's house in rage and terrorize her to the point where years have passed but you were the only person in your family left off the wedding invite list. Interrogating your younger brother's crush also crosses some strange boundaries that  did more harm than good. 

I know the truth is you never saw yourself the way you should have. You struggled with your self-worth, identity,  and you were too proud to ask for help. It was always better to put on the brave face, then to admit defeat. It was always better to pretend things were ok then to admit that they weren't. It was always easier to point out other people's faults then realizing that the very things you point out in them are the things you despise about yourself. 

There's a dream you've always held on to, and it's about to be fulfilled, and I hope you realize soon that it's not as hyped up as you think it is. It's one day, which is in a way a cumulation of the past days but it is certainly no predictor of future days. I hope for you it does bring you lots of happiness and joy, but that one day you find that others cannot give you continual feel-good feelings. Other people will disappoint you, and you will disappoint them, and it's ok. I think that's where we parted ways because you would hold on too tightly to the negative feelings instead of letting them go and acknowledging that humans by nature will hurt each other. Maybe one day when you push yet another person away forever you'll start to see that more clearly. But for the sake of those around you, I hope it doesn't come to that. I wish I could say I see a faint glimpse of what used to be good in you, but you've rejected that side of you and buried it deep.

Next time when I see you I'll continue to smile, because despite all you've done for me I'm still in a good place. You've helped toughen me up, oddly enough. Thankfully not too much though because there was a time where I was probably a few bad decisions away from turning into someone I don't want to be. 

thirty: you are so strong!

I've spent an exorbitant amount of time on my computer this week, working on a paper and procrastinating since it is reading week. Somehow that ended up in a new sleep pattern, which was probably a good thing because I was able to chat with a friend the other night. He's not someone I'm particularly close to, we've hung out a few times, exchanged a few emails, and now we're even chatting and texting. I guess you could say we were brought together in the worst of circumstances, which is something too private to reveal online.

It's been comforting to go through some of the same stuff together though, even though our outcomes could not be any different. I wouldn't want to trade places with him, but to say I haven't imagined the possibility would be a lie. I am so amazed at how strong he has been since his world was turned upside down. He's taken time off from school and focused all his energy on what was needed of him for two years. I could barely manage through one semester... He has found ways to encourage me, even when I should be the one encouraging him. I know you can make it through this, and remember when you feel you can't take another step there are many of us who want to support you. And I promise I'll be there, I'm just 10 digits away.

Take your time to feel sad, angry, relieved, whatever. Don't deny yourself the chance a good cry. Only those who are truly strong are capable of showing their emotions and vulnerabilities. I know this is probably one of the toughest things you'll ever have to face, and it's probably extra hard when you're young. It's probably something that will always be a small trickle of conscious thought in your day-to-day but the emotions will become less intense with time. Remember you are strong and you have made it this far.

twenty-nine: odd guy out

Grades 6,7,8 are generally pretty awful years for just about everyone. Puberty hits and everything seems to go awry. People who used to be friends turn into enemies are cliques are formed. Most people find their way around this time with the support of a few good friends. Others aren't so lucky, including S. I met him in grade 6 and looking back I can't even remember if I ever talked to him in the 3 years we went to school together. That's kind of sad for a small elementary and jr. high school.

S. stood out in the years when everyone is just trying to imitate the cool kids so they'll be accepted. He couldn't help it because sometime in his past he had brain cancer. His hair never quite grew back from whatever surgery he may have had, so his wispy comb-over look was definitely out of place when the look of the day was the bowl cut with the part down the middle. S also carried some baby fat, and wasn't graced with athletic talent. In the world of jr. high pecking order he was right at the bottom. People made fun of him, avoided him, ignored him, and probably made his life miserable. That much I do remember.

He kept to himself, and was perceived as socially awkward. I don't think at that time we understood that the collective whole was probably fueling this cycle of his being awkward. He never had a chance to shine, because there would always be someone around to put him down. Funny how someone who can overcome something like cancer can be completely helpless in overcoming social stigma from snotty tweens who really know nothing about life. I can't say I've kept in touch with many people from that phase of my life besides the odd person who has friended me on facebook. I don't even know if I'd recognize S. if I saw him today. I hope he's in a better place though, because we've hopefully all grown up a little.

S. you were so courageous to make it to school every day for 3 years without a friend by your side. I guess at that age you'd already experienced more than what some people will ever experience in terms of hardship. Your gentle demeanor was such a contrast to the self-created drama of the class. In some ways you were probably wise beyond your years. I wish I had gotten to know you better. 

twenty-eight: on a cold winter's night

Happy CNY! It's been a tumultuous start to a new year but I take it as things can only go up from here. I feel like so many things have been blindsiding me lately, that nothing really seems to jar me anymore. Thankfully I still do sometimes notice the little things and here's an entry to a person I met because we happened to notice him.

--

I don't know how you manage to live in Winnipeg, a place that is for the most part covered in snow for a good chunk of the year. It's hardly accessible and easy to get around for those of us who are able bodied. Cars need to be plugged in, scraped, and coaxed into starting. Buses rarely ever run on time. Walking outside for anything more than 10 minutes results in nose hairs freezing and rosy cheeks. But here you are. 

There happened to be a blizzard that day, and no this is not the kind of snow storm that Torontonians whine about, this was full blow white out conditions all morning which meant oodles and oodles of snow everywhere. The kind of snow that makes changing lanes an art, and seeing over the snowbanks akin to playing Russian Roulette - you never know what's behind the snowbank until it's too late. You were out that night, on one of the busiest streets in the city in your wheelchair and stuck in a rut. I don't know how many people walked by or drove by before we made the choice to at least help you over your little hurdle. I hope it wasn't too many, because it was definitely an unpleasant night to be stuck outside.

You were so thankful, and I was ready to head back on my way until I realized there was no way you could make it home. You were so gracious and humble in accepting my help, and I wish I could be more like that sometimes. You knew your limitations, and you weren't afraid to ask for help and to receive it. You weren't looking for pity, but rather just a helping hand and some understanding. You were a bit rambly, but you really made me think about humanity that night. It's so easy to get wrapped up in our lives, our problems, our issues, our baggage that we completely miss out on how even a small act can make a difference in someone else's life. It's those moments that truly define who you are, and I'm so glad you helped me find a part of myself again. I know it sounds corny but you warmed me up that night more than the mini-donuts at the end of the skating trail.

twenty-seven: my pseudo popo

I've always been envious of my friends who have large families that always seem to have family events. Don't get me wrong, I do have a large family and we do have our own rituals such as Sunday afternoon dimsum, it's just that everyone lives in HK... and for some reason we're still stuck here. In many ways our friends here have filled some of the roles of family, and there are a few in particular that I hold especially close. The other day was the memorial service for my psuedo popo, or basically the closest person I've ever had to a grandmother, and a flood of memories has come back to me.

She was the one who looked after me when my mom was finishing her Masters and my dad had to support the family by working. I have vague memories of my time spent there, but I definitely remember the stories. I was one of those kids that loved to lie in bed with my parents before I fell asleep and I would ask them to tell me stories about myself (I know, narcissistic much?) and some of my favourite are with my popo. 

She always had a jar of candy, that my mom would forbid me to eat from, so whenever my dad would come and pick me up I'd always offer him some of that candy and I knew if he accepted it I would be able to eat some too. She knew how much I liked to eat, so she was there when I told my first lie, that I can't even remember telling (yup, kids can definitely start lying at a young age!), and my reason for lying was so I could go out for dinner with popo that night. She would sit there patiently as I explained to her my theory on how alligators were evil, and how we should be on alert in case one were ever to attack. She watched me grow up from a bumbling toddler to who I am today.

 

She continued to remember who I was even after the Alzheimer started to kick in, and every year her kids came back to town I would go to her family dinner. I was always invited to her birthday dinners as well, and I'm so thankful I had a chance to celebrate her 84th birthday this past year, even though it had to be moved up a few weeks. She exemplified a life well lived to the fullest potential. No, her name probably isn't one of recognition, and her achievements are nothing extraordinary in the eyes of the world, but she loved those around her. She loved her family, and she loved others. Because of her, I've been blessed with people in my life that I probably wouldn't have met if it weren't for her. She was one of those people who you knew genuinely cared about you when she asked about what was going on in your life. If I get to grow old and become a Chinese grandma, I'd want to be one like you.

twenty-six: I get into cars with strangers

I know this probably wasn't one of my finest moves. And in all fairness I've only done it thrice, and one time pretty much doesn't count since the strangers were friends of friends. Another time I was on vacation in a tourist filled place, and it was the back of a truck. There was one time though were I did get into a car with a complete stranger. Maybe I trust people too much? It turned out ok, and to me it actually seems kind of odd that we live in a society where getting into a car with strangers is considered taboo.

I don't think I normally would get into a car with a stranger, but that day I had parked really far away from the university and I had a long trek ahead of me. It was also miserably cold outside. As I was walking a man driving a black sedan honked and rolled down his window. He asked me if I was going to the university, and I said yes. He then proceeded to offer me a ride, and I gladly accepted. The drive wasn't terribly long and our conversation consisted of him asking me where my class was, and what I was taking. He also proceeded to tell me he still remembers when he had to park far away and walk to classes. He was just a nice old guy doing something nice for a fellow human being. Why does society find that so odd? Maybe we're all just too wrapped up in our lives to notice those around us. I wish there were more people like him, because strangers are people too. That's probably why I'm often so freaked out by public transportation... it seems so unnatural to have hundreds of people moving in the same direction but with almost no interaction at all. Everyone is just so focused on getting there, they can forget to see what is presently in front of them.

Thanks for reminding me to pay attention to those around me.

twenty-five: because of her I will be meeting Beverly McLachlin tomorrow =)

Ok I think I have to make a concession, this isn't going to be finished in 3 years... but I guess I'll just add whenever I feel the urge so I have something to look back on. I don't know when I stopped writing in my journal (maybe when life just got too busy), and I'm finding my memory is getting crowded out with all the stuff they make me learn at school. Honestly, I don't know why I'm there half the time... but after working in the summer I have gotten to see another side of law and justice and I feel some relief knowing that there's so much more out there than I first thought. I definitely have people to thank for that.

--

Several years ago a judge noticed yet another deficiency in our imperfect legal system, but instead of writing about it or studying it she decided to go out there and do something to change the way things are done. For a city and province that is more left than right, it is scary to think this kind of program has not existed until now. People have been falling through the cracks of the system by being 'self-represented litigants'. Using the term 'self-representing litigant' is really just a euphemism for unrepresented, or in a more practical sense - screwed.

I've been told by countless graduates that when you enter the work world you really realize how little you know, but even the bit of knowledge we've learned in school is leaps and bounds beyond what your average person who can't afford a lawyer knows when they set off to navigate the twists and turns of 'justice'. Is it really justice? No, of course not and as a person of influence that judge was able to set into motion something that could revolutionize the lackadaisical approach it seems the law firms in this city approach Pro Bono work.

She rallied up the leaders in the community, and was able to mobilize people with the same vision with her. And my favourite part of all about this story is as she was doing something she is passionate about on her one year sabbatical, others were drawn to her. Sometimes in the most bizarre of circumstances. One involving two people who just happened to be on the same flight home from Toronto, who had gotten to actually know each other beyond a typical student/teacher relationship because the student couldn't find a job right away and spent some time in the summer following an interesting court case. 

She was also able to spark my interest in the law in a way no textbook or even the most articulate Supreme Court decision ever could. Sometimes reading about people with the labels of plaintiff, defendant, accused, takes away from the human aspect of the law. But studying the law through the eyes of someone in poverty, now that is eye-opening. Thanks for helping me find a glimmer of hope to hold on to as I trudge through the motions of learning without actually doing. You have inspired me, and your confidence in me has made me realize the world is my oyster. Thanks for always looking out for me too, your emails always bring a smile to my face. Especially the one I got today about your plans to button-hole Chief Justice Beverly McLachlin tomorrow for an introduction :)

twenty-four: we met in jail

One of the great things about being a law student is the exposure to all these different parts of the legal system you may never end up dealing with once you're out in practice. Earlier this year we had a chance to go judge shadowing and we also had a chance to do a tour of the Remand Centre. For those of you who don't know, this is supposed to be a temporary place to house the accused until he/she makes bail. In reality it has in its own way become a sub-par holding place of people who shouldn't be there such as the poor old guy with Alzheimer who pushed his wife while in a state of confusion.

Being on the inside was only slightly similar to how it is portrayed in the movies. Though I suppose the lock-down that happened while I was there was a much more dramatic experience than what I thought would happen on the tour. We were given a tour by a guard, and this one guy has boosted my views on guards and those in power in law enforcement. He dispelled the stereotype I had built up in my mind of the kinds of people who go into that line of work.

He told us he sees his job as only a small part of his life, and the key thing to remember is to treat everyone with respect. Working for him is not about getting an ego boost, or feeling a sense of superiority. Rather as he put it, he's seeing these people regularly for quite some period of time and respecting them is critical to keeping things in control. Respect does not mean being a push over, or trying to be someone's friend. Respect is just about treating someone how you would want to be treated, civilly and decently. Simple as that. It's also a good lesson really for any workplace, or any human encounter really.

twenty-three: first love, maybe (double post of goodness today)

Well since 100 does eventually need to be reached I thought I'd include this one as well since it seems to tie into the theme of the night.

--

You always hear people say they never forget their first love. I don't know if I've had one yet but I did have a first relationship. It has been years now and I finally feel like I can look back without any emotional bias as to what happened.

If I could have a do-over I actually wouldn't choose to have one, because so much of that has shaped who I am today. I didn't think it would... but it you could always call me out on the crazy things I did and be patient enough to wait out my answer. Your one virtue that always constantly amazed me was your patience, and your tolerance of some of the drama I put you through. If I had the chance I would tell you in person that I am truly and completely sorry, and I will if the opportunity ever presents itself.

You changed me more than you probably even know, and without getting into detail I experienced some of the greatest reliefs to be able to share parts of myself with you. Things I thought I would keep tucked away in the back of a deep dark closet forever. Some may think it was all for naught, considering you are but a stranger to me now. But you really challenged me to look deeper into myself and expose the good and the bad. I wish I could say I challenged you as well...

You inspired me with your ability to express your emotions so freely, even though it is not a manly thing to do. I remember all those times I'd try to convince you it's much better to keep it bottled up inside, but in the end you were right. Your devotion to your family and those you hold close is something I'm working on getting to the same level as you. Sometimes I wonder what you're up to, and I hope that wherever you are that you're happy and content.

twenty-two: my stalker/stalkee?

A friend asked me about my blog today, and since I already wrote today off as a day where I wasn't going to get any work done and I want to do things that I enjoy I thought I'd add a new post.

--

Maybe it's a bit fresh to be posting this, but I feel confident that my readership had reached a nice low that this post may just got undetected. And really this is for me.

I met someone once, and it was a bit of a fairy tale. We were two strangers brought together by the strange twist of fate that is better known as Internet stalking. To be fair, it was not my fault he happened to just pop up in articles I just happened to read, and I felt a weird compulsion to message him. It seemed ok at the time, and I guess it was since, we developed some weird Internet friendship.

Maybe it should have stayed at that, but living in a city where everyone seems to know everyone we would inevitably meet. We had some epic long dates, where I felt I could just be myself and have a lot of fun doing just about anything and in some ways it just felt like it was meant to be. After all we were brought together in such an uncanny way and I felt comfortable enough within a short span of time I agreed to go to a family dinner. Trust me that is definitely not normal, since my commitment-phobia radar normally goes off at the thought of meeting the family.

We were strangely similar, yet we had enough of our own interests to make learning about each other interesting. In a lot of ways I was eerily reminded of myself in you, and one would think that would be a perfect match (at least you'd be able to understand my silent phone conversations).

I admired a lot of your qualities: your drive, your laid-back demeanor, your self-deprecating humour, your ability to get along with my friends, your independence... your ability to remain calm and collected or as some would say cold-hearted. In many ways you embodied everything I naturally want to gravitate towards being, but at the same time I know that being that person would also be my downfall.

Thanks for showing me once again how much I need other people in my life to know me on more than just a superficial level, especially those who are close to me. Thanks for reminding me that every choice has a risk, and that some of the biggest risks I have had to take have provided me with the greatest returns. Sometimes things do just happen, but sometimes you have to make them happen.Thanks for opening up at least a small part of yourself, so I know you're capable of it because one of the greatest joys is just sharing life with those around you. Thanks for making me that much closer to being able to articulate what it is I want for myself and what I want in a relationship.

twenty-one: heartbreaker

It's not every day you have the chance to meet someone who will just break your heart. Today I spent my morning on a bus collecting kids for a day program and handing out sandwiches. The bus took me to parts of town I didn't even recognize and it seemed like an entirely different city. I have never seen kids so eager to be touched and listened to.

There was one little girl who was really clingy and throughout the course of the morning she managed to tell me her life story. She is 7 going on 8, and is currently giving up sweet foods not because she's on a diet or she doesn't like them but because they make her teeth hurt. One look at the amount of missing teeth and fillings and that statement makes perfect sense. She likes going to beach, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and tickling her little sister. She seemed so oblivious to the obvious hardships of her life, besides the fact that she said she hated her dad because he was mean.

At first I was a bit turned off by the dirty clothes, the smell, and the wild hair. But since she climbed right up on my lap there wasn't much I could do... except to listen and to make conversation with her. It was actually pretty easy, and really she was just like any other kid whose world is a their oyster. This really surprised me because she was at the age where one generally becomes aware of the surrounding circumstances and hers do not seem to be in her favour. Growing up in public housing, parents' who allow their kids to go to a program where a) no criminal record check was done on myself (and probably the other volunteers as well), b) there was no training provided,and relying on others to feed her, are probably not what most people experience at that age.

I wonder what her future has in store, because it's going to be a tough one where the path of least resistance would be to repeating the footsteps of her parents. It breaks my heart that the statistics are against her and I wonder if she'll turn out ok. I hope she does.

twenty: there are benefits to being an insomniac

OK I'm going to try to do a quick blog before my new bed time deadline... So far I've moved from 6am to 4am and hopefully tonight will be 2am. I had forgotten one of the biggest benefits of staying up late is being able to catch my HK friends online and the other night I had a very interesting talk about incest, the caste system of India, and arranged marriage with one such friend.

I don't remember when I met her, but I remember many many nights of heading to the library after dinner until close, looking around for free common rooms to watch the only English TV program - C.S.I, eating McDonald's ice cream at every possible occasion, taking photos silly photos with mac's photo booth, etc. She could make the most routine tasks fun, and I have always admired how she could have good wholesome fun. Being one of the most devote Muslims I know she is one of the few I know who can balance her beliefs with a realistic life without being hypocritical.

The other night she told me of a choice she had to make, and I found her choice to be extremely challenging for me to swallow. If I were in a similar position I don't know if I would have been able to be the bigger person and brush aside my concerns for the betterment of the entire family balance. Apparently it's a cultural thing, but it is also very much a personal thing because cultural expectations are lower for those who don't grow up in the motherland (or at least that's how it is in my family).

I wish I could be more like that sometimes, less headstrong and more in tune with my cultural background. I think in some cases it is better to be submissive than to burn bridges that can never be mended. I'm proud that you were able to hold your anger in line and find other avenues to let it out without hurting your family, and I know your future has only better things to offer.

nineteen: sick day

There's nothing quite like your body crapping out after 8 months of intense 7 full year course workload. All I can say is I'm so happy this wasn't last week and since I'm basically confined to my room I can finally catch up on e-mails, phone tag, blogging, and watching Glee :) I can't remember the last time I was this sick (4 days and counting...), but I do remember an equally memorable sick day.

--

One hot summer day my friends convinced me to go to the Morden Corn & Apple festival, a nice small town festival where you can eat free corn and drink free apple juice. Over all the experience was what I expected it to be some sleeping in the car, awful pictures being snapped up by camera happy Asians, good times with good friends. It was definitely a stereotypical festival in a small prairie town, complete with city folk leaving their confines of suburbia to enjoy the nice fresh country air.

Oh the nice fresh country air of farmers burning their crops... after many years of being asthma free and a diagnosis from my doctor telling me I had outgrown childhood asthma I could not stop coughing that icky gross phlegm-y smoker's cough. My friends were quick to dismiss my claims for being sick and the night proceeded like most nights out with my besties. That was until I got home... and all I could do was send them a quick text message saying I was going to the ER and then I left my phone at home because of the no cell phone policy in hospitals. (Sorry for the panic caused by that guys!!)

I can't say it was my idea to go to the hospital, so it's a good thing my dad laid down the law and drove me there at 2am. That's the kind of guy he is though, quiet but always reliable to do the things that need to be done. He may not always feel that he can talk to me, perhaps it's a bit of that awkward generation gap immigrants tend to face when their children grow up in a different culture than them, but he always makes an effort to try to communicate with me. Even if it means calling up my uncle to call me to see if I'm partying too much in LKF.

One of my favourite memories was one year for his birthday my mom and sister happened to be off jet-setting in Asia (as usual), and he decided to take me and my best friends out for dinner for his birthday. We had a great time introducing the wonders of Chinese tea and chopsticks to my friends, and it made me realize that my dad really tried to reach out to me even during my teenage years of thinking I was too cool to share my life with my parents.

While I can't remember the last time he verbally said the words 'I love you' I know his actions speak that every day. His unwavering support for my academic dalliances, my 'need' to travel to Europe, and all the overall struggles a kid can face trying to gain independence from her parents while still being very much dependent on them has been amazing. Thanks for always knowing when to push me and when to give me space. Thanks for always being a great example of what it means to care for someone, it is really touching that you and mom continually go out of your way to do things for others.

I will always remember this one lady I met at the hospital during the dinner rounds who mentioned you without even knowing that we were related. To her you were just the nice guy who helped describe her procedure in Chinese and she just wanted to know if I could speak Chinese as well. Well thanks to you I can!

eighteen: mystery woman from Winnipeg

I always hear that Winnipeg has the nicest people, and perhaps I'm a bit biased but having been to many different places I have to say there is something nice about the small town feel of home. Sometimes I miss the big city feel of Hong Kong where you can get lost in the crowd and be 1 in 7 million, but then I remember all the great things that make me have a love-hate relationship with Winnipeg. Today I have a love story.

Several months ago I was having a bit of a down day and I needed a pick-me-up so I bought myself a nice bracelet. No it wasn't just a cheap accessory from Claire's, it was a silver charm bracelet that cost less than my computer but more than my PS3 to give you an idea. The sales lady carefully wrapped it up for me and I threw it in my car to run a few errands. Little did I know that somehow it had made its way from my passenger seat to out my door and onto the muddy Costco car park.

While I was doing my grocery shopping at Costo some lady spotted the Appelt's bag in the parking lot and took the time to find my name and address on the receipt. She then delivered it to my house and returned the bag to my very confused sister. I can honestly say that's something that has only ever happened to me in Winnipeg. It's so nice to live in a place where people are moving at a pace that allows them to take a detour in their plans to drop off a lost item. I never got to thank this mysterious woman who seriously made my day and saved me from panicking over loosing something that has quite a bit of sentimental value. So here is my thanks, and I will always think of you when I am given a chance to pay it forward with something nice =)

XVI - catch up time!

So I hit a bit of a blogging fail once school started up and I didn't even post any canned entries for quite some time. So it's now time to catch up or I'll never make it to 100!

--

I recently read an article in the WSJ about breaking up with a friend and I was reminded of such a person in my life. Looking back I can say the feelings I have now are very different than a break up from a romantic relationship, or even a natural falling out between friends growing apart. I hope this friend realizes one day that for my sake I had to end it but it doesn't mean I haven't learned a lot from her, even now I can say we've spent many more years as friends than we have as acquaintances.

One of the characteristics I most admire and at the same time shy away from is your extreme self-reliance. You are the definition of a self-empowered woman, and your confidence is the kind that can blow people away. Over all the years I have never seen you fail to attain a goal you have set and you have worked so hard for all you have gained. You are incredibly powerful with your influence and that was the beginning of the end. I wish I could be more like you sometimes, but relying on others to help me has become a routine in my life... and I really needed you there for some hard times but you weren't there.

I know we had a bit of a routine, I was the cheery happy-go-lucky one, and you were the realistic somewhat pessimistic one. I don't know if we are both the same people today and I hope you haven't become more jaded in your views of the world. My fondest memory of you will always been our random conversations dissecting the male mind and over analyzing every encounter we had with a potential interest. It was always fun to mask any dissappointment with the fact we were both going to be successful professionals that did not need a relationship to fill any gaps in our lives.

However when I realized you still held a grudge against an ex five years after the fact and after a awfully short relationship I knew I could not go through my first break up with you. I'm sad to think I had to lose you as a friend to move on from my own ex, but I don't think I could be who I am today if I was still holding a grudge or any kind of bad feelings towards him. I know my first serious boyfriend did not live up to your expectations, or mine, but I also know that holding on to any angry feelings would prevent me from moving on. I hope you too have been able to let go of all the hurts you've been hiding under your confidence... i.m.u.

seventeen: he lives at the library

Since starting law school I've had the chance to meet a whole bunch of new people, and at first it was a bit overwhelming trying to remember the names of people but there are always a few that stick out. I think I first noticed the library man one day in the lounge and I asked someone who he was, and someone mentioned something about doing research at the library every day. At first I thought that meant he was on the staff, as some of the librarians do do their own research in such a research intensive faculty. But then I started working there and noticed he seemed to spend most of his time wondering around, photocopying and writing things out the good old fashioned way with pen and paper.

Of course he was the one who noticed a change in the scenery, that being me joining the library workforce and he started to chat it up with me. He seemed quite knowledgeable of the staff at the school, and may have attended U of M/Robson Hall. So it got me thinking who is this character? So far I know he does independent research and has published some stuff, he stays every day at the library until closing and he gets there around 10am, he wears a sweater and dress pants every day, and he eats at Degree's, or UC. He also seems to love to talk, though the library isn't exactly the best place to do so. He also seems to have a genuine desire to get to know people and it seems that everyone who spends enough time at the library will become acquainted with him.

So how is a seemingly random influential? I think it's pretty cool that he just does his own thing, even though some may regard it as weird to spend your time hanging out at a law school library everyday (though I could be wrong because I've only worked 5 shifts thus far). I'm sure he has his reasons and to be of that age and to find something you're passionate about to work on everyday is pretty rare. That thirst for knowledge is also refreshing, especially amongst some classmates who think they know it all (I'm sure the exams will show them!) I wish I was more passionate about my studies to the point where staying at the library until closing doesn't feel like the worst thing in the world and my mind is constantly thinking about the other things I could be doing. I look forward to seeing him around the next 3 years, and it felt nice when I started working that someone actually noticed I was there (since there have been no student initiated computer queries).