twenty-nine: odd guy out

Grades 6,7,8 are generally pretty awful years for just about everyone. Puberty hits and everything seems to go awry. People who used to be friends turn into enemies are cliques are formed. Most people find their way around this time with the support of a few good friends. Others aren't so lucky, including S. I met him in grade 6 and looking back I can't even remember if I ever talked to him in the 3 years we went to school together. That's kind of sad for a small elementary and jr. high school.

S. stood out in the years when everyone is just trying to imitate the cool kids so they'll be accepted. He couldn't help it because sometime in his past he had brain cancer. His hair never quite grew back from whatever surgery he may have had, so his wispy comb-over look was definitely out of place when the look of the day was the bowl cut with the part down the middle. S also carried some baby fat, and wasn't graced with athletic talent. In the world of jr. high pecking order he was right at the bottom. People made fun of him, avoided him, ignored him, and probably made his life miserable. That much I do remember.

He kept to himself, and was perceived as socially awkward. I don't think at that time we understood that the collective whole was probably fueling this cycle of his being awkward. He never had a chance to shine, because there would always be someone around to put him down. Funny how someone who can overcome something like cancer can be completely helpless in overcoming social stigma from snotty tweens who really know nothing about life. I can't say I've kept in touch with many people from that phase of my life besides the odd person who has friended me on facebook. I don't even know if I'd recognize S. if I saw him today. I hope he's in a better place though, because we've hopefully all grown up a little.

S. you were so courageous to make it to school every day for 3 years without a friend by your side. I guess at that age you'd already experienced more than what some people will ever experience in terms of hardship. Your gentle demeanor was such a contrast to the self-created drama of the class. In some ways you were probably wise beyond your years. I wish I had gotten to know you better. 

twenty-eight: on a cold winter's night

Happy CNY! It's been a tumultuous start to a new year but I take it as things can only go up from here. I feel like so many things have been blindsiding me lately, that nothing really seems to jar me anymore. Thankfully I still do sometimes notice the little things and here's an entry to a person I met because we happened to notice him.

--

I don't know how you manage to live in Winnipeg, a place that is for the most part covered in snow for a good chunk of the year. It's hardly accessible and easy to get around for those of us who are able bodied. Cars need to be plugged in, scraped, and coaxed into starting. Buses rarely ever run on time. Walking outside for anything more than 10 minutes results in nose hairs freezing and rosy cheeks. But here you are. 

There happened to be a blizzard that day, and no this is not the kind of snow storm that Torontonians whine about, this was full blow white out conditions all morning which meant oodles and oodles of snow everywhere. The kind of snow that makes changing lanes an art, and seeing over the snowbanks akin to playing Russian Roulette - you never know what's behind the snowbank until it's too late. You were out that night, on one of the busiest streets in the city in your wheelchair and stuck in a rut. I don't know how many people walked by or drove by before we made the choice to at least help you over your little hurdle. I hope it wasn't too many, because it was definitely an unpleasant night to be stuck outside.

You were so thankful, and I was ready to head back on my way until I realized there was no way you could make it home. You were so gracious and humble in accepting my help, and I wish I could be more like that sometimes. You knew your limitations, and you weren't afraid to ask for help and to receive it. You weren't looking for pity, but rather just a helping hand and some understanding. You were a bit rambly, but you really made me think about humanity that night. It's so easy to get wrapped up in our lives, our problems, our issues, our baggage that we completely miss out on how even a small act can make a difference in someone else's life. It's those moments that truly define who you are, and I'm so glad you helped me find a part of myself again. I know it sounds corny but you warmed me up that night more than the mini-donuts at the end of the skating trail.

twenty-seven: my pseudo popo

I've always been envious of my friends who have large families that always seem to have family events. Don't get me wrong, I do have a large family and we do have our own rituals such as Sunday afternoon dimsum, it's just that everyone lives in HK... and for some reason we're still stuck here. In many ways our friends here have filled some of the roles of family, and there are a few in particular that I hold especially close. The other day was the memorial service for my psuedo popo, or basically the closest person I've ever had to a grandmother, and a flood of memories has come back to me.

She was the one who looked after me when my mom was finishing her Masters and my dad had to support the family by working. I have vague memories of my time spent there, but I definitely remember the stories. I was one of those kids that loved to lie in bed with my parents before I fell asleep and I would ask them to tell me stories about myself (I know, narcissistic much?) and some of my favourite are with my popo. 

She always had a jar of candy, that my mom would forbid me to eat from, so whenever my dad would come and pick me up I'd always offer him some of that candy and I knew if he accepted it I would be able to eat some too. She knew how much I liked to eat, so she was there when I told my first lie, that I can't even remember telling (yup, kids can definitely start lying at a young age!), and my reason for lying was so I could go out for dinner with popo that night. She would sit there patiently as I explained to her my theory on how alligators were evil, and how we should be on alert in case one were ever to attack. She watched me grow up from a bumbling toddler to who I am today.

 

She continued to remember who I was even after the Alzheimer started to kick in, and every year her kids came back to town I would go to her family dinner. I was always invited to her birthday dinners as well, and I'm so thankful I had a chance to celebrate her 84th birthday this past year, even though it had to be moved up a few weeks. She exemplified a life well lived to the fullest potential. No, her name probably isn't one of recognition, and her achievements are nothing extraordinary in the eyes of the world, but she loved those around her. She loved her family, and she loved others. Because of her, I've been blessed with people in my life that I probably wouldn't have met if it weren't for her. She was one of those people who you knew genuinely cared about you when she asked about what was going on in your life. If I get to grow old and become a Chinese grandma, I'd want to be one like you.

twenty-six: I get into cars with strangers

I know this probably wasn't one of my finest moves. And in all fairness I've only done it thrice, and one time pretty much doesn't count since the strangers were friends of friends. Another time I was on vacation in a tourist filled place, and it was the back of a truck. There was one time though were I did get into a car with a complete stranger. Maybe I trust people too much? It turned out ok, and to me it actually seems kind of odd that we live in a society where getting into a car with strangers is considered taboo.

I don't think I normally would get into a car with a stranger, but that day I had parked really far away from the university and I had a long trek ahead of me. It was also miserably cold outside. As I was walking a man driving a black sedan honked and rolled down his window. He asked me if I was going to the university, and I said yes. He then proceeded to offer me a ride, and I gladly accepted. The drive wasn't terribly long and our conversation consisted of him asking me where my class was, and what I was taking. He also proceeded to tell me he still remembers when he had to park far away and walk to classes. He was just a nice old guy doing something nice for a fellow human being. Why does society find that so odd? Maybe we're all just too wrapped up in our lives to notice those around us. I wish there were more people like him, because strangers are people too. That's probably why I'm often so freaked out by public transportation... it seems so unnatural to have hundreds of people moving in the same direction but with almost no interaction at all. Everyone is just so focused on getting there, they can forget to see what is presently in front of them.

Thanks for reminding me to pay attention to those around me.

twenty-five: because of her I will be meeting Beverly McLachlin tomorrow =)

Ok I think I have to make a concession, this isn't going to be finished in 3 years... but I guess I'll just add whenever I feel the urge so I have something to look back on. I don't know when I stopped writing in my journal (maybe when life just got too busy), and I'm finding my memory is getting crowded out with all the stuff they make me learn at school. Honestly, I don't know why I'm there half the time... but after working in the summer I have gotten to see another side of law and justice and I feel some relief knowing that there's so much more out there than I first thought. I definitely have people to thank for that.

--

Several years ago a judge noticed yet another deficiency in our imperfect legal system, but instead of writing about it or studying it she decided to go out there and do something to change the way things are done. For a city and province that is more left than right, it is scary to think this kind of program has not existed until now. People have been falling through the cracks of the system by being 'self-represented litigants'. Using the term 'self-representing litigant' is really just a euphemism for unrepresented, or in a more practical sense - screwed.

I've been told by countless graduates that when you enter the work world you really realize how little you know, but even the bit of knowledge we've learned in school is leaps and bounds beyond what your average person who can't afford a lawyer knows when they set off to navigate the twists and turns of 'justice'. Is it really justice? No, of course not and as a person of influence that judge was able to set into motion something that could revolutionize the lackadaisical approach it seems the law firms in this city approach Pro Bono work.

She rallied up the leaders in the community, and was able to mobilize people with the same vision with her. And my favourite part of all about this story is as she was doing something she is passionate about on her one year sabbatical, others were drawn to her. Sometimes in the most bizarre of circumstances. One involving two people who just happened to be on the same flight home from Toronto, who had gotten to actually know each other beyond a typical student/teacher relationship because the student couldn't find a job right away and spent some time in the summer following an interesting court case. 

She was also able to spark my interest in the law in a way no textbook or even the most articulate Supreme Court decision ever could. Sometimes reading about people with the labels of plaintiff, defendant, accused, takes away from the human aspect of the law. But studying the law through the eyes of someone in poverty, now that is eye-opening. Thanks for helping me find a glimmer of hope to hold on to as I trudge through the motions of learning without actually doing. You have inspired me, and your confidence in me has made me realize the world is my oyster. Thanks for always looking out for me too, your emails always bring a smile to my face. Especially the one I got today about your plans to button-hole Chief Justice Beverly McLachlin tomorrow for an introduction :)

twenty-four: we met in jail

One of the great things about being a law student is the exposure to all these different parts of the legal system you may never end up dealing with once you're out in practice. Earlier this year we had a chance to go judge shadowing and we also had a chance to do a tour of the Remand Centre. For those of you who don't know, this is supposed to be a temporary place to house the accused until he/she makes bail. In reality it has in its own way become a sub-par holding place of people who shouldn't be there such as the poor old guy with Alzheimer who pushed his wife while in a state of confusion.

Being on the inside was only slightly similar to how it is portrayed in the movies. Though I suppose the lock-down that happened while I was there was a much more dramatic experience than what I thought would happen on the tour. We were given a tour by a guard, and this one guy has boosted my views on guards and those in power in law enforcement. He dispelled the stereotype I had built up in my mind of the kinds of people who go into that line of work.

He told us he sees his job as only a small part of his life, and the key thing to remember is to treat everyone with respect. Working for him is not about getting an ego boost, or feeling a sense of superiority. Rather as he put it, he's seeing these people regularly for quite some period of time and respecting them is critical to keeping things in control. Respect does not mean being a push over, or trying to be someone's friend. Respect is just about treating someone how you would want to be treated, civilly and decently. Simple as that. It's also a good lesson really for any workplace, or any human encounter really.

twenty-three: first love, maybe (double post of goodness today)

Well since 100 does eventually need to be reached I thought I'd include this one as well since it seems to tie into the theme of the night.

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You always hear people say they never forget their first love. I don't know if I've had one yet but I did have a first relationship. It has been years now and I finally feel like I can look back without any emotional bias as to what happened.

If I could have a do-over I actually wouldn't choose to have one, because so much of that has shaped who I am today. I didn't think it would... but it you could always call me out on the crazy things I did and be patient enough to wait out my answer. Your one virtue that always constantly amazed me was your patience, and your tolerance of some of the drama I put you through. If I had the chance I would tell you in person that I am truly and completely sorry, and I will if the opportunity ever presents itself.

You changed me more than you probably even know, and without getting into detail I experienced some of the greatest reliefs to be able to share parts of myself with you. Things I thought I would keep tucked away in the back of a deep dark closet forever. Some may think it was all for naught, considering you are but a stranger to me now. But you really challenged me to look deeper into myself and expose the good and the bad. I wish I could say I challenged you as well...

You inspired me with your ability to express your emotions so freely, even though it is not a manly thing to do. I remember all those times I'd try to convince you it's much better to keep it bottled up inside, but in the end you were right. Your devotion to your family and those you hold close is something I'm working on getting to the same level as you. Sometimes I wonder what you're up to, and I hope that wherever you are that you're happy and content.