So I hit a bit of a blogging fail once school started up and I didn't even post any canned entries for quite some time. So it's now time to catch up or I'll never make it to 100!
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I recently read an article in the WSJ about breaking up with a friend and I was reminded of such a person in my life. Looking back I can say the feelings I have now are very different than a break up from a romantic relationship, or even a natural falling out between friends growing apart. I hope this friend realizes one day that for my sake I had to end it but it doesn't mean I haven't learned a lot from her, even now I can say we've spent many more years as friends than we have as acquaintances.
One of the characteristics I most admire and at the same time shy away from is your extreme self-reliance. You are the definition of a self-empowered woman, and your confidence is the kind that can blow people away. Over all the years I have never seen you fail to attain a goal you have set and you have worked so hard for all you have gained. You are incredibly powerful with your influence and that was the beginning of the end. I wish I could be more like you sometimes, but relying on others to help me has become a routine in my life... and I really needed you there for some hard times but you weren't there.
I know we had a bit of a routine, I was the cheery happy-go-lucky one, and you were the realistic somewhat pessimistic one. I don't know if we are both the same people today and I hope you haven't become more jaded in your views of the world. My fondest memory of you will always been our random conversations dissecting the male mind and over analyzing every encounter we had with a potential interest. It was always fun to mask any dissappointment with the fact we were both going to be successful professionals that did not need a relationship to fill any gaps in our lives.
However when I realized you still held a grudge against an ex five years after the fact and after a awfully short relationship I knew I could not go through my first break up with you. I'm sad to think I had to lose you as a friend to move on from my own ex, but I don't think I could be who I am today if I was still holding a grudge or any kind of bad feelings towards him. I know my first serious boyfriend did not live up to your expectations, or mine, but I also know that holding on to any angry feelings would prevent me from moving on. I hope you too have been able to let go of all the hurts you've been hiding under your confidence... i.m.u.
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Although I don't want to be as presumptious as to think that this post is about me, nonetheless, I know that this is the truth, whether it's behind this one statement or any other. It is clear to me that we drifted apart, if not in distance, definitely in time and space. And to finally see the reasons behind this makes the pain sharper but easier to understand, makes the fuzzy ideas more concrete in nature. I think long ago, we discovered that although we belonged to the same set, we were still two sides of the same magnet that you can never force together. I too have learnt alot from you and walk away from this feeling less broken and more whole. I feel many of the same feelings and more that I someday wish to tell you, but the time is not right and we have drifted too far to make that conversation comfortable. Our priorities differ and our choices of sacrifices reflect that. Someday I hope you will understand why I feel the way I do and why I chose not to pursue this friendship anymore, because I value the past as much as the future. But in the same ways you respect me, I respect you, your decisions and whereever you end up in life. All the best, my dear, now and whereever you may go.
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